By: Barry Vile

BLOOMINGTON, IN–Following a recent rainfall, freshman Zachary Raymond was found sitting on the grass adjacent to the Jordan River with a laundry basket and a washboard in between his classes. Having blown a majority of his money on Pizza X and Baked cookies, Raymond realized he had no money left to do laundry and was forced to go the old-fashioned route.

“I ran out of clothes a week ago but the river was really dirty,” Raymond explained. “I waited for a good rain so the water would be a bit cleaner and I could wash my clothes without getting cholera. Still probably safer than eating at Gresh.”

Raymond’s roommate, Jack diPetto, expressed his concern over Raymond’s decision, saying that he “really never thought someone would stoop this low” and that “he could have just asked me for a fucking quarter.” When questioned about why he had not asked someone to borrow a few dollars, Raymond responded that his parents had taught him to do laundry in a river for this exact reason.

“They said that teaching me to live off the grid would come in handy eventually,” Raymond said as he rung out a pair of IU boxers. “I thought it was a little over the top, but I could really get used to this all-natural style.”

As a result of his new low-income lifestyle, Raymond is also seeking an affordable alternative for quickly drying his clothes.”I have considered just throwing them in the microwave,” Raymond said, “but I think a clothesline from Teter to Ashton would be perfect.”