By: Sutton Lee Seymour

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Last Tuesday, IU maintenance crew tearing up a Forest resident’s floorboards found several birds chopped up with others chained alive beneath the floor.

“In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said maintenance team leader Katrina Black. “I mean, I’ve seen college students hide weed or dirty magazines in weird places, but I guess this one kid just got sick and tired of scraping bird shit off of the bottom of his shoes.”

In an interview, IUPD stated that no one has been detained for this incident, but the primary suspect has been identified as resident Monty Fortunato. He has yet to confess, but investigators described him muttering under his breath about “their evil eyes” and whispering to the crows about “the sweet, delicious Amontillado” he had in his basement.

“I remember whenever I went into his room, he’d be scraping shit across the floorboards and crying about how guilty he felt,” said Fortunato’s roommate Augustus Dupin. “I mean, I suspected that he’d done something, but based on what I know about his thought patterns and day-to-day life I just kind of assumed he was rich and lonely like the rest of us.”

Luckily, when the crows were discovered, many were still alive, if not somewhat malnourished. They delivered the following statement shortly before being freed:

“Once upon a campus dreary, while we wandered, hungry, weary,
Shitting upon roof and head of students studying for Kelley ICore—
While we flighted, nearly napping, suddenly there came kidnapping,
As of someone tired of our presence on this southeast block of yore.
‘Rot in hell,’ he muttered, ‘and come to Forest nevermore!’
But we live on, fuckface, forevermore.”