By: Jake Spear

BLOOMINGTON,IN – Last Friday, a group of freshmen were verbally assaulted on Jordan Avenue, called “FRESH-MEAT” by Marcus Williams, a senior who is clearly terrified at the prospect of graduating and having to face the real world.

Explaining his biweekly ‘raids’ past Wright Quad, Williams stated “I’m just trying to toughen these freshies up. This isn’t high school anymore. It’s time for them to face the real world” as he Googled Should I take a gap year?

One of the victims, freshman Charles Strunk, spoke out following the incident. “I just don’t understand why he’s not at a bar? I mean as a senior with a car, he doesn’t need to be driving around campus at 11 at night harassing freshmen. He clearly isn’t prepared for the cold, lonely embrace of adult life.”

But this isn’t the first time Williams has been found childishly coping with his lackluster career prospects. Williams’ drive-bys are a regular occurrence, and typically consist of slurs such as “Fresh-Meat”, “First Queers”, and “Dorm Dwellers.” Though more-perceptive listeners can faintly hear him saying, “Oh God, what am I going to do with my life?” as well.

In the wake of this incident, Williams was found contemplating failing 3 classes to delay graduation for another semester.