OP-ED: Stop telling people I’m not a real cop, I AM TOO a real cop
By: Your roommate Brett, an IUPD Cadet
I’ve had enough. Stop asking me to call 911 so a “real police officer” can show up. Stop telling your friends I’m majoring in “applied crossing guard studies”. I’m sick of the disrespect. I saw a post from Elon Musk on my LinkedIn wall this morning that said I needed to clean the toxic people out of my life. I’m taking that advice to heart, and I am asking you to recognize that I am a real cop.
Oh, you knew that, you were just joking that one time?
Then explain why my contact on your phone is a picture of the Spirit Halloween juniors’ police officer costume?
And if it was such a one time joke, why did you park a Little Tykes® police car in my assigned space last week?
You said you bought me a Piglet plush doll because I loved the Winnie-the-Pooh books growing up. I’ve never read Winnie-the-Pooh, and how would you even know if I did? We’re male roommates. We only talk about three things: the game, did I Venmo you my part of the internet bill, Swiffers: do we need one and what do we do with it? We DO NOT talk about: our childhoods, feelings, and the first 10 minutes of Pixar’s ‘UP’. Look, I’m just going to settle this once and for all: I am a real cop. Would I have this unnecessarily heavy walkie-talkie if I wasn’t a real cop?
Look at how big and heavy it is, it even has one of those microphone-speaker thingies with the long cord. What?
The coiled cord just evokes even more of the Piglet vibes that I’m actively trying to shake?
I’m not going to acknowledge that comment. Besides, would I have this super cool looking badge if I wasn’t a real cop?
Why did I take Herschel Walker’s badge?
Very funny but I don’t think so, see if you look up close it specifically says “Indiana University Police*” What?
Why did they engrave an asterisk on the badge?
I don’t see an asterisk. No, I’m not going to flip it over. I don’t need to flip it over- ok, yes, the back does say *: “This is not a real badge. If presented with this badge, please call the real police. If lost, return to 1469 E. 17th” Ok, but fine print schmine frint. If IUPD didn’t see me as a real cop, do you think they would trust me to walk around the Wells stacks at least once per night? I don’t think they’d leave that task to a criminal justice major with 2.5 months of training at police summer camp-goddammit why did I call it that-ok, police academy that occurs during the summer that we just happen to sleep away at, in cabins. And no, we didn’t have bunk beds, we also did not have a ‘mess hall’ that served sheet pan pizza and Bug Juice on Friday. They served them on Saturday. We’re getting farther away from my point: so I might not have a gun, or arrest powers, or permission to ride in the front seat of the squad cars. But what I do have is a dangerous combination of implicit bias and an undeveloped prefrontal cortex, sorry, I meant to say that I have an oath, an oath to serve and protect.
Say the whole thing?
That was the whole thing, no don’t pull up the full text online, OK-ok, the full oath is that ‘I swear to serve and protect the upper floors of the East Tower on alternating weeknights and weekends twice a month, and to see that the traffic in the athletics lots is orderly on game days’. I hope you’re pleased with yourself. Now if you excuse me, I need to report to the station so I can pick up my patrol vehicle, save your breath, I am well aware that it’s a bicycle.