By: Pink Freud

VATICAN CITY — In an official statement issued by the Holy See, His Holiness the Pontiff Pope Francis affirmed the centuries old church doctrine that God is a straight-up bro. Emerging from the Man Cave of St. Peter and wearing a backwards skull cap, Pope Francis greeted practitioners with a lax nod and a soft “sup.”
“After conferring with ecclesiastical doctrine,” the Pontiff announced, “I’ve come to the conclusion that God is actually a pretty chill guy. As the Bible says, the heavenly father is totally down with righteous dudes (The Book of Caleb 4:20). No question–he’s always good for knocking back some holy spirits and angel wings with his bros on Sundays, in reverence of the sacrament of game day.”
Though the statement does not mark a theological break from tradition, Pope Francis has motioned for the introduction of communion kegs and the addition of Guns ‘n Rose’s “Paradise City” to the Easter Liturgy.
Worshipers gathered at St. Peters basilica expressed mixed sentiments on the Pope’s statement.
“I’m making mad righteous gains,” reported Brother Chad of the Order Penitentes. “Like my bros say, pain is sin leaving the body.”
However, Sister Maria of the Our Lady of Faith Convent disagreed. “The 239th Catechism, as codified by John Paul II in 1992, explicitly states that the Holy Trinity transcends considerations of gender, and that masculine, or for that matter feminine language can’t adequately describe the identity of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The gendering of God is more related to cultural dogmas and the gendered grammar of ecclesiastical languages than to theological consensus. So no, I wouldn’t say that ‘The big man is dripping in testosterone.’ ”
In his continuing efforts to reach out to interfaith leaders, the Pontiff has taken proactive steps in organizing initiatives such as “Brewskis for my Jewskis,” and “Allah at Your Boy.”