11 Major Construction Projects for the Bicentennial
By: Flipside Staff
- Transform IMU into Big Fucking Hole
Let’s be real here, the school has been planning to do this since 2015, but after massive student protests, they were unable to pull the trigger. Expect the building to finally undergo its beautiful transformation into a state-of-the-art hole in the ground featuring mud floors, dirt walls, and earthen furniture.
- Move Ballantine Hall 3 feet to the West
One of the biggest design flaws of Ballantine Hall is that when sitting on the roof of Wells Quad, in the far-left chair, at approximately 5:12 p.m. during the summer equinox, the sun peers over the top of Ballantine Hall at an awkward angle, how inconvenient. Expect this project to last 3 years and cost the university millions of dollars.
- Replace Jordan Avenue Parking Garage with Second Geology Building
RPS will finally be addressing student concerns about an excess of campus parking lots, and not enough geology buildings. All too often, rocks that the geology department thinks are cool do not fit in existing display cases so this new building will solve that problem! While of course, this means the Jordan parking garage will be replaced, students should continue to have no problems finding spaces.
- Give the Optometry School a New Pair of Glasses
Students have been complaining of blurriness when looking out of IU’s Optometry School windows. To correct this, IU optometry building will be receiving a giant pair of glasses as a part of the bicentennial project. In order to make sure the prescription is right, students will be told to look out the windows and tell construction workers if option A or option B looks clearer. The building will also be fitted with a macrofiber tarp for whenever the glasses get dirty or a bird flies into them. IU Optometry students hope to realign the school’s window panes with IU’s strategic 2020 vision!
- Begin Plan to Levitate Swain North and South
IU Physics plans on harnessing the power of magnetic north to create a levitating pair of buildings, completing the Swain Compass segment of the Bicentennial Plan. When asked about the necessity of the floating buildings, Professor Pole stated that “construction of the North building alone would necessitate the deforestation of 55% of Dunn’s Woods. Plus, it’d be bitchin.’”
- Make 10th Street a One-Way
For years, students have been complaining of heavy traffic on 10th street, so the IU administration is teaming up with the city planning office to make it only go one-way! The road will be northbound, leading away from campus. To ensure that the traffic problem is prevented, completely. Third street’s direction will also change diverting all traffic away from campus. After 200 years its good to see that Bloomington still prioritizes the convenience of students over permanent residents!
- Add More Duct Tape to the Woodburn Hall Elevators
For those who don’t know, the Woodburn hall elevators have been getting pretty shaky, and the university has finally decided to reinforce them with more duct tape. This will be the easiest project of the bicentennial construction, considering it will only require a quick trip to Home Depot. But somehow it will still cost millions of dollars.
- Add a Rest Stop on the Fifth Floor of Ballantine
The Ballantine Hall staircase has been criticized after taking the lives of 7 students over the past 3 years. Many of these students passed out around the 6th floor and fell down 5 flights of stars. In lieu of adding more elevators, which would not be cost-effective, instead, IU will be adding a rest stop on the 5th floor. This rest stop will include a small cafeteria, stocked full of protein bars, energy drinks, and hiking magazines.
- Build Ski Lift Up Fee Mountain
Anybody who lives in the Northwest neighborhood, or up by the stadium, knows how hard it is to scale Fee Mountain during the wintertime. For this reason, the bicentennial renovations include the construction of a ski lift which will take students up the road during winter months. At the bottom, students will swipe their campus access cards, and for just $5 per ride, they can easily get to the top of the mountain within 15 minutes! Thanks to the fee, the system is expected to pay for itself, and break-even by 2030!
- Give Sentience to the Brain Outside of the Psych Building
Since its installation in 2013, the IU Psychology department has always kept in mind its final goal for the piece: giving the limestone brain sentience. “By achieving this goal for IU’s bicentennial, we have positioned the university to grant sentience to Bloomington’s other statues, such as Herman B Wells and that Adam statue with no genitals,” stated President McRobbie. Following the announcement, IUPD issued a warning to pedestrians, telling them not to be alarmed by the brain’s telepathic cries for mercy.
- Give the IMU Down Escalators
After 80 Years, it’s about damn time.