By: Flip Flipoutski

Jubilance swept across the world as researchers at the newly reopened Large Hadron Collider discovered a parallel universe where you are not such a massive prick to everyone all the time. “It is one of the most momentous discoveries of all time,” said Jack Kerrigan, chief of interdimensional analysis for the LHC. “Here we were looking through the data, and after all these loads of different universes where you are just a bulging dickhead all day every day, we finally found a single solitary universe where you are actually a decent human being.” Kerrigan went on to say that, while you may be a God-awful little shit in this universe and many universes like it, you should at least take solace in the fact that out there somewhere, somehow, there is a version of you that isn’t universally regarded as the most magnanimous taint of a person ever to walk the face of the earth. Reports indicate that the data was derived from a drunken 3 a.m. experiment by a few LHC scientists, where they decided to smash a bunch of particles together and see what happened. The result was an astounding look into what is known as the multiverse, a web of divergent realities tangentially related to our own, often with very minor and inconsequential alterations. “Out of the billions of multiverses we detected, we found 2,340 where Gore was president, 134 where Hitler still ruled the world as a brain in a jar, and 45 where NBC’s The Slap ran for 12 Emmy-nominated seasons,” said Mark Shapiro of the LHC’s research division. “However, we were only able to find one universe where you were not a gigantic asshole. Maybe not a decent human being, but you weren’t walking around with a giant sign that says ‘look at me I’m just a big floppy donkey dick of a person,’ and that is a remarkable find.” “It was one of those moments where everybody had to stop and pinch themselves,” said Kerrigan. “It’s still all theoretical, and it may be hundreds of years before we are capable of repairing you emotionally enough to make people not prefer getting their dicks caught in a hornet’s nest over spending a minute talking to you, but today, we now know it is theoretically possible. The dream, as it was, is alive.” Because you are such an asshole to everyone that you can’t even pick up your phone when someone calls, you were unavailable for comment at this time.