IU Research Team Finds Cure for RBFS (Resting Bitch Face Syndrome)
By: Pink Freud
Jubilance swept through the air last week as researchers at Indiana University announced that they had developed a cure for the congenital facial disorder RBFS, also known as “Resting Bitch Face Syndrome.” Resting Bitch Face, or as it’s known in the scientific community, “What-Crawled-Up-Her-Ass-and-Died Syndrome,” is a genetically inherited disorder, that lends the carrier a cold glare of loathsome disdain, not unlike that of a demon before whom all men are flies drawn inexorably to the ravenous flame of fate. Research suggests over one sixth of Americans are afflicted with RBFS, causing distress to their families, and ensuring a life or shame and isolation.
“When I learned my son was born with RBF,” said local man Al Judge, “I had to choose between accepting him for who he was, and locking him in the basement never to see the light of day. It wasn’t easy, but I did what was best for the family.”
Fortunately, men like Al Judge will no longer be forced to make that choice. Nevertheless, treatment appears to be a long and arduous process. Full details on this haven’t been released yet, but sources have indicated that doctors would enlist the help of the highly potent chemical FRM, also known as Face Ripper Monkey. Though some believe the treatment does appear to be highly risky, and borders on a human rights violation, it has caught the eye of some celebrities, such as Kanye West. Most people seem to want him to go through with it. For other celebrities who suffer from the disorder, such as actress Kristen Stewart, Olympian Mikayla Maroney, and chemistry teacher Walter White, the treatment remains impractical, and a waste of time.
Kristen Stewart has even gone so far as to become an anti-RBFS activist. Ms. Stewart maintains that “’Resting Bitch Face’ is a made up condition derived from an internet meme deriding a certain look that was considered totally normal until apparently 2015.”
As far as this reporter is concerned, when it comes to Resting Bitch Face, let sleeping dogs lie.