By: Mack E. Velli

Twenty six were soaked and two were damp last Tuesday after fifteen-year old Adam Forrest walked into Leslie Nielsen Elementary School with a fully-loaded, semi-automatic WR 31 Super Soaker and three homemade water balloons. Witnesses state that the gunman walked through the unlocked school entrance with no issue, greeted the secretary, and then strolled into a classroom of first graders and opened water.

“It was awful! There was water everywhere, and it was total chaos. I’ve never seen anything like it,” recalled Principal Andrea Stewart.  She continued, “Most of the children were drenched, head to toe, lying on the ground shivering in their own pools of water.” She went on to give a tearful apology to all of the children and their parents who were involved in the situation.

According to seven-year old Tommy Jones, Forrest politely knocked on the door at 10:30 AM, right as the students were getting settled in after music class. When the teacher opened the door, the gunman blasted her with his Super Soaker before throwing water balloons and firing at the children indiscriminately until his water-tank was emptied.

Jones was beaming as he yelled, “It was awesome! It was like a bonus, surprise recess!” School officials report that, after the massacre, the gunman sincerely apologized and took everyone out for donuts at Tim Horton’s.