By: Pink Freud

It has been several weeks since students returned to IU Bloomington to find a shortage of living space and a glut of incoming students. To compensate for the disparity, lounges have been converted into rooms, and freshmen moved into formerly upperclassmen dorms such as Wilkie. But what of the legions of incoming students with no designated living space? To investigate the question no one is asking, this reporter ventured deep into the sewers of Bloomington to document the freshmen that RPS forgot.

Upon lifting the sewer main on Fee Road, I heard a hissing like the sound of a wounded viper. In the rays of the sun, several freshmen scattered. Weeks of subterranean living had rendered their skin pasty, and eyes like saucers. Only by offering house show flyers and a caramel macchiato could I get them to lower their spears, fastened by lanyard to poster tubing.

“Talk of the overworld,” implied one wide eyed freshman, an English Major by the name of Heather, “No sun in tunnels, no Wifi echoes through depths.”

After assuring her that we on the surface share her internet related plight, she lead me on an iPhone light tour of her compound. The waning light falls on sinister faces painted in leftover henna from culture fest, hair died or rebelliously cut as a rite of passage. Many of these figures hang on obscenely expensive SUVs, which can be seen recklessly roaring through the streets spewing exhaust and otherwise wreaking havoc. On an overturned minifridge, a prophet rants about the promised land of “Kirkwood,” presumed to be located in, or all-encompassing of the city of Bloomington. Apostates speak of the apartments that the parents shall one day provide for them if they express their devotion through a B average. Making my way through the steamy underworld, a boy shoved a handful of fallen pennies beneath my nose, demanding two bottles of Svedka.

“It was once that alcohol was plenty from the parents,” explained Heather, “Those were the days called ‘Welcome Week.’ Now, lemonade fermented in shower stall. We learn much from overworld,” she continued, “I take Physics 101, now know secrets of universe.”

Many students in on campus housing find the conditions in the sewer so appalling, they take a strong stance by liking informative Facebook posts, or projecting an aloof sympathy.

“It’s really appalling the conditions these freshmen live in,” sophomore Hector Voltz told me from his air conditioned double single, “I don’t know how it got this way. I just wish the university would do something.”

When asked whether he would take steps to remedy the situation, Hector replied, “Sometimes I think you just have to let natural selection take its course.”