By: Bismo Falcor

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Last week, Alpha Tau Omega melted everyone’s hearts by helping struggling women pay their way through college in a recent philanthropy event. In regards to this event’s success, National ATO president Henry Eaton Busch expressed his admiration for the class and dignity expressed by the IU chapter.

“We, the national leaders of ATO, are heartened to see our IU chapter espouse the core values of philanthropy and respect for women that we as a national organization pride ourselves on. At the same time, they’re also supporting small businesses and giving women the opportunity to pursue a higher education.”

According to ATO IU chapter president, Chad Dickerson, the philanthropy event has already raised more than $3,000 in sticky singles, 100 percent of which will be going directly into the girls’ undergarments. Dickerson went on to respond to H.E. Busch’s praise, stating, “Above everything else, we here at ATO are real proud to be a brotherhood, and though it may be a pain in the ass sometimes, we’ve got a reputation to uphold.”  He continued, with a smirk, “And if there’s ever a girl out there who’s been down on her luck and has to make ends meet, she should give us a call. The brotherhood will take good care of her.”

As a final thought, ATO brother Jake Stallworth voiced his admiration for the event. “The philanthropic event was truly life changing. Usually when you’re coming face to face with this kinda charity work, you could start getting depressed, and feel like ya gotta escape, and close yourself off. However, this time, it was absolutely impossible to run away.”

“It was absolutely eye opening,” he concluded, pulling a stray pube off of his tongue.