By: Flipside Staff

According to a recent poll, as many as 30 percent of Americans have yet to pick out their Halloween costumes this year. We here at Hoosier Flipside are astounded by this absolute travesty, and we are here to do whatever possible to help the cause.  This year, try dressing up as what you fear most! Here are six suggestions:

College Debt

–Turn your most-feared college nightmare into your costume this year by wearing your unlaundered IU cap and gown. Complete the look with a tear-streamed face, a ball and chain around your ankle, and the internal feeling that you’re secretly wasting all your time, there’s no point to all this academic bullshit, you’ll never be able to get a job in this terrible economy and EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS. Top Ramen optional.

14 Missed Calls From Mom

–A cheap and easy option: arrive wearing what you typically would to a party, but be sure put your phone ringer on high. Every time your phone rings, interrupt whoever you are talking to by yelling, “Oh my god! I have to take this.” After you finish using your phone, come back running your fingers through your hair, visibly shaken. Begin texting and mutter repeatedly, “My mom’s gonna kill me…” Don’t forget to hush everyone around you every time you answer a call!

Crippling Loneliness

–What could be spookier than dying alone? Get some sweat pants, a t-shirt, and your ex’s favorite, well-worn Colts hoodie. To complete the ominous outfit, you’ll want to wallow in empty vodka bottles and Ben and Jerry’s containers as you binge-watch Friends If people don’t like your costume, remember: it’s not you, it’sthem.

Showering at Read Nowadays

–For this costume, douse yourself with soap and water, and sprint into the party wearing nothing but a poorly-wrapped towel. For extra effect, add a shower caddy holding the Axe shampoo you also use as body wash. Don’t forget to grab some dirty boxer briefs that you intend to throw on once you get the chance!

Finite Midterms

–First, wear a white sandwich board with blurry, unreadable questions on it. Then, attach a gnarly strap-on to the front so you can really fuck students in the ass. Complete the look with a bag of scantrons and severe parental disappointment. Enjoy the PTSD-induced looks of horror!

President Trump

–Put on a full overpriced suit, don a crappy toupee, and shove a billion dollars up your ass as you become the physical embodiment of America’s demise. Of course, a Trump presidential costume would not be complete without acting the part. Try viciously attacking every immigrant you come across while shouting about making America great again.