Eccentric Billionaire Plans First Water Park on Mars
By: Mike “MC Grandmaster DJ Kool” Jones
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following the recent discovery of liquid water on Mars, eccentric billionaire Mellon Husk unveiled plans for his next business venture: a water park on the red planet’s surface.
“Upon learning of the discovery of water on Mars, I put down my quinoa-encrusted, free-range quail kabob, jumped in my self-driving, hydrogen-powered super bike and went to work,” said Husk.
Husk expects this park to completely revolutionize dihydrogen monoxide-based interstellar entertainment. At the recent shareholder’s meeting of CosmosEx, Husk, clad in a black turtleneck and jeans, dazzled viewers with his nuanced and in absolutely no way vague presentation.
“Synergy. Innovation. Rocky. Dynamic. Wet,” explained Husk, who later announced that the Mars water park’s main attraction would be a postmodern answer to the traditional wave pool.
Husk stated, “We wanted to take the concept of the wave pool to the next level, and then the level after that. I’m talking about a wave pool at the tsunami level. One that runs on high tech SkyActiv nitro-fuel cell technology, powering 17 hyper-turbines spinning at 1600 rpm, forcing 60 foot waves rocketing into the starry sky. It will be known simply as WVE P∞L.”
Reportedly, the park will feature massive 4KHLTV digital displays, WiMax LTE internet connectivity, 100 percent immersive virtual reality featuring the climax of Jaws, a hologram of Nikola Tesla wearing thick-rimmed glasses, and revolutionary new piss-resistant water filtering technology.
“That, my friends is only the beginning.” He continued, “We’re talking Large Hadron Collider lazy rivers, a molecular-meta 140 kW P90D sunscreen dispenser, and NASA developed dark matter inner tubes. Many consumers eagerly await more news on the rest of the park, and industry experts predict CosmosEx stock to skyrocket as a result.
Other engineers have confirmed the park won’t be constructed until workers can figure out how to breathe.