Your Ted Cruz Horoscope
By: Hermynn Bae Wells
After finding out that Ted Cruz was (allegedly) the Zodiac killer, we read the stars. Here’s what we found:
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
As your full moon comes to a close, you will feel a rush of energy as the month comes to end. You will feel rejuvenated and relaxed by the time of the next Republican Debate.
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
As the month drags on you will feel low energy. But worry not: new beginnings are on your horizon — especially if I am nominated as your GOP candidate.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Love is in the air: your romantic endeavors will be successful, especially if you send your nudes to TedCruzXXX@hotmail.com.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Stay inside. Challenges lie ahead. Your next month will be rough, but don’t worry– it will all be over soon…
Leo July 23 – Aug 22
Though you feel unappreciated, and sometimes broken down, just trust your gut and TrustTED.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sept 22
People like Donald Trump are going to tell you that this month is gonna suck, but I’m here as your friend, your pal , your lover, your teddy bear.
Libra Sept 23 – Oct 22
Tough times are come and gone, and you’ve grown so much since our last horoscope. You’ve blossomed into a young supple Libra… I hope you make time for what’s most important. Love, Uncle Ted.
Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
This month, you will receive compliments from an attractive Hispanic GOP candidate… 😉
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
If you look at things with an open mind, even “no” can mean “yes”.
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
This sign is extremely likely to be elected next term. 😉
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
This month will make you feel dirtier than all the money I receive
Pisces Feb 19 – March 20
Astro-bodies don’t determine your future, but my body can…