By: Hermynn Bae Wells

After finding out that Ted Cruz was (allegedly) the Zodiac killer, we read the stars. Here’s what we found:

Aries  Mar 21 – Apr 19

As your full moon comes to a close, you will feel a rush of energy as the month comes to end. You will feel rejuvenated and relaxed by the time of the next Republican Debate.

Taurus  Apr 20 – May 20

As the month drags on you will feel low energy. But worry not: new beginnings are on your horizon — especially if I am nominated as your GOP candidate.

Gemini  May 21 – June 20

Love is in the air: your romantic endeavors will be successful, especially if you send your nudes to

Cancer  June 21 – July 22

Stay inside. Challenges lie ahead. Your next month will be rough, but don’t worry– it will all be over soon…

Leo   July 23 – Aug 22

Though you feel unappreciated, and sometimes broken down, just trust your gut and TrustTED.

Virgo  Aug 23 – Sept 22

People like Donald Trump are going to tell you that this month is gonna suck, but I’m here as your friend, your pal , your lover, your teddy bear.

Libra  Sept 23 – Oct 22

Tough times are come and gone, and you’ve grown so much since our last horoscope.  You’ve blossomed into a young supple Libra… I hope you make time for what’s most important. Love, Uncle Ted.

Scorpio  Oct 23 – Nov 21

This month, you will receive compliments from an attractive Hispanic GOP candidate… 😉

Sagittarius  Nov 22 – Dec 21

If you look at things with an open mind, even “no” can mean “yes”.

Capricorn   Dec 22 – Jan 19

This sign is extremely likely to be elected next term. 😉

Aquarius   Jan 20 – Feb 18

This month will make you feel dirtier than all the money I receive

Pisces   Feb 19 – March 20

Astro-bodies don’t determine your future, but my body can…