By: Jacopo Inboden

BLOOMINGTON, IN–Flipside has just received word that local first-year Hoosier, Kaylee Wellington, still thinks that Indiana University’s school colors are red and white after attending more than a week of classes. Wellington was last spotted browsing the Union Bookstore with fellow Hoosiers, where she was overheard telling everyone that the “red and white pinstriped pants would be really cool to have–if they didn’t require a sacrifice of a firstborn child to purchase.” While we are told that she was promptly given severely disapproving looks from all who were in the area at the time, Wellington still remains completely oblivious to the fact that the school colors are actually cream and crimson. An on-duty cashier during the incident remarked about how they couldn’t believe someone would let such a juvenile creature off of its leash, while another witness to the event told reporters that she appeared to “take pride in being a fucking idiot” and that her “knuckles were red from dragging on the floor so much.” We asked those interviewed about the incident why they did not simply correct the newcomer’s mistake, and were told that she should have “just known already.” This debacle has led to the validity of Indiana University’s New Student Orientation program falling under severe scrutiny, with the current heads of the program set to face trial later this year.