By: Ted Winestock

The discovery of a two-dimensional character that oddly resembled SpongeBob SquarePants, known to fans as DoodleBob, on the shores of Cuba has led to speculation that Guantanamo Bay might actually be filled with failed Nickelodeon characters, rather than Middle Eastern terrorists, Russian spies, and other criminals. These rumors were confirmed when a convenience store’s surveillance camera picked up grainy footage of a character so terrible, Nickelodeon never even let it hit the TV screen.

“I was just checking the Slurpee machine before closing up shop when a mysterious figure flashed across the screen behind my counter. It was some sort of badly animated, unfinished drawing of a mango with stumpy arms, wiry legs, and Ariana Grande’s face,” said convenience store manager Luis Chavez.

Under pressure from the public eye, a series of conferences between the U.S. government and the nation’s favorite children’s television channel concluded that reporters would not be given access to the highly secret CIA operative base. The reason for this, according to a CIA press release, is that some of the more vicious characters such as DoodleBob have been known to harass guards and other prisoners; there’s no telling how they might react to civilian visitors.

A formal statement, however, was delivered by a representative of Nickelodeon, stating that many characters develop real relationships with their creators and the only way to help the employees detach is to make the creations disappear. This came as an outrage to Nickelodeon creators and artists as well, believing their creations to have passed onto the afterlife in freak accidents, not living on a farm in eternal suffering. “This has raised many doubts in our minds,” says Chad Peterson, a writer and creator for Nickelodeon. “Was my SpongeBob SquarePants rejected extra, the Bearded Oyster, actually eaten as a late night snack by one of the animators, or has she also been banished to this prison?”

Recently, CIA operatives have abandoned the prison and instead are guarding a suspicious closet in Nickelodeon’s New York Headquarters. Nickelodeon executives have informed all of their employees that the government presence is only temporary, and to ignore the muffled screams in Russian and Arabic emanating from the closet from time to time.