By: Voidius Black

Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism.

“I can’t believe how hard that paper screwed me,” Briggs told reporters. “I knew it was going to be due Wednesday, and that procrastinating would be a bad idea. But I just kept putting it off because, I’ll be honest, I haven’t been sober since the football team beat MSU.” His class, Y-792 (Intro to Incomprehensible Political Theory) has gained a considerable amount of notoriety in the past few years due to a workload that often leads to students engaging in mediocre lovemaking sessions with their assignments the night before they are due.

Briggs continued, “I always imagined that my first time would involve a beautiful connection with another human being, not a 7 hour experience with a 20-page long Microsoft Word document. But, I mean, it’s not the end of the world. I know it’s just going to be a one-time thing. I’m not gonna turn into one of those students who always procrastinates and ends up getting fucked by every assignment that comes their way. But hey, I got it done, right? Sure, I think I spelled antidisestablishmentarianism differently each time I mentioned it, and there’s no way I passed the assignment, but I guess it feels good getting this behavior out of my system. It’s what freshman year is for!”

In response to the spike in students getting railed by their homework due to poor preparation, a new student group called “Planned Paperwork” has begun handing out flash drives saying, “Students should always be protected. Hardware malfunctions and viruses can be very dangerous.”