By: Penny C. Bubblegum

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ordered a ceasefire while his men scrambled to find a computer that hadn’t been bombed to pieces so they could check out the latest season of The Walking Dead.

“I really enjoy the way Negan handles his prisoners,” al-Baghdadi told reporters. “We also play eeny meeny miny mo to choose who we behead.”

During our interview, al-Baghdadi minions were huddled together in a damp, dark bunker, routinely shushing our reporters so they could hear which member of the protagonists’ group was killed in the previous season’s finale. The group of extremists found themselves siding with the villains typically, but said they couldn’t bear the thought of Rosita dying. Al-Baghdadi admitted that his lust for the character rivals his attraction to his wives, three men in sheepskin wigs whom he castrated.

“I make them stroke my beard and tell me I’m a sexy zombie killer while I drown my enemies in acid. Rosita has made me a frustrated man”. Despite their gruff reputation, even these mighty warriors flinched at the showing of who died at the end of season 6. “Beating someone to death with a barbwire wrapped bat seems a bit graphic for cable don’t you think?”