By: Bismo Falcor and Flip Flipoutsky

A class of seven year olds in a small village on the Indonesian island of Java was surprised by a special visit from the president, who was there to honor Arief Kusuma as the best little blue jeans maker in the country’s sweatshop system.

The president, Joko Widodo, presented Arief with a certificate that said “Great Job!” and thanked him for stitching more chemically treated denim into pairs of pants than anybody else in his whole class. Widodo then gave his classmates an inspiring talk on how no matter where kids in Indonesia are born, they can do anything they want with their lives, as long as it lies within the confines the global underclass of the international capitalist system.

Little Arief’s parents were excited to see their little boy so happy. “Arief has always been such a smart little boy! I am so, so proud of him,” said his mother. She continued, “I was always worried that my son would never be able to escape the cyclical nature of third world poverty, but he turned out to be so gifted. I hope one day he can afford to move to a nicer slum than the one he grew up in.”

Little Arief also had the opportunity to address his classmates, teachers, and community at large.

“It makes me so happy that you’re all here for me today. I love my little community, and I love the opportunities that I have here. I couldn’t have done this without my Mommy, Daddy, and my wonderful country which has factory jobs for people of all ages, no matter how many fingers they’ve lost. I’d also like to thank American corporation for always sending us great jobs, and the factory managers that they hire. Life is so much more exciting when you know your workplace can collapse and explode at any second. And finally, thank you to Mr. Joko Widodo. You make it so that I will be working this job for a long, long, long time.”

It was later reported that 70% of the jeans he made were shipped to a Santa Monica Hot Topic where they were cut into jorts by an emo 15 year old listening to dubstep remixes of slipknot.