By: Jug R. Not

Professor Bersching’s financial accounting class was abruptly halted yesterday when a student’s audible joke about Purdue University activated the programming of a Krannert School of Management sleeper agent posing as one of their own. The young man instantly began cutting off access to any exits from the building using a program developed by Purdue’s Engineering Department and kept the perimeter of Kelley Secret Police (KSP) officers at bay by threatening to upload an improper balance sheet onto the Kelley website if they got too close.

“It’s looking pretty bad in there,” said KSP Captain M. Bezzle. “I mean, I knew that those Purdue folks were getting bored but sweet Jesus, this is ridiculous.” Captain Bezzle then took this reporter on a quick tour of the outer defenses erected by the defense program. “YOU SEE?!” he exclaimed, pointing to the titanium gates and automated overhead drones that barred and guarded every entrance into the building. “How can a single Purdue nerd do this in a few hours when we were remodeling Hodge Hall for years?”

The sleeper agent has continuously broadcasted his demands via hologram ever since his takeover of Kelley. They include the total surrender of the long-neutral ground of IUPUI to Purdue University, the forfeiture of Mark Cuban’s alumnus status, and a weekly tribute of Baked! cookies to be sent directly to the Krannert School of Management.

“We must not back down in the face of this unprovoked aggression,” IU President Michael McRobbie said in an official statement concerning the crisis. “This university, its staff, and its students shall stand strong against this threat. We are working towards a solution to this situation, and we pray that the members of our community in the hallowed halls of Hodge can maintain their courage.”

While the present situation is indeed alarming, and potentially life-threatening, Kelley professors have said they see no reason why students should get extensions on their ICORE projects.