By: Robben DeCash and Skell Eaton

Following their first experience with the stressful nature of college finals, numerous freshmen have begun inquiring about taking up residency in the glass study rooms in Wells Library.

“Honestly, I’m just trying to be proactive about this,” freshman Pierre Winchester told reporters during a break from his finite math Web Work problems. “Between the different girls my roommate is banging each night and the insane distance from Briscoe to literally everything on campus, I think this really is my best option.”

Residential Programs and Services (RPS) has made their opposition to the topic very clear. “We will under no circumstances be allowing this idea to move forward,” a RPS representative Harry Carlson informed Flipside. “While our sincerest sympathies go out to the struggling students, they must understand that living in full view of the entire student body at all times is not a healthy lifestyle. If they thought it was hard to find time to rub one out before, how do they plan on doing so with twenty I-Core teams trying to kick you out of your room for a week?”

UITS representative Kasey Howard told reporters how she already has enough trouble removing single students who take up an entire room to themselves. “It’s incredibly annoying when some douche always tries to claim their team is on the way and that they aren’t actually being a prick,” Howard informed reporters. “Seriously, just go study somewhere else if you are by yourself. Fucking assholes.”

Despite RPS’s clear opposition to students inhabiting the glass study rooms, given the high frequency of Wells housing inquiries, the Residential Programs and Services has advised its freshmen to instead consider booking a room in the SPEA Library for an additional $600.00 a month.