By: Jacopo Inboden

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Indiana University has just announced plans for a new general studies building which will have absolutely zero rookie structural mistakes. “We are very excited,” University representative Karen Finkel informed Flipside reporters. “With the amount of time we have already spent renovating the rest of campus, we decided that it might be a good idea to have a building for once that isn’t lacking some sort of basic functionality you would expect from a Big 10 university.” The choice to construct the new building in the parking lot behind the Wells Library has been met with much praise from the student body who have long been upset with the superfluous amount of parking on campus.

While the building’s design is still in the concept stage, sources have confirmed that four fully functioning elevators have already been ordered, it will not feature two narrow staircases on each side of an extra wide staircase, and securing enough air conditioning units to cool the entire building has been deemed a ‘top priority’. Local sophomore Brian Holcomb expressed his relief at the prioritization of including conditioned air in the new building. “I had to beg my doctor to give me a note freshman year so I could get an A/C unit in my room. I forced myself to hyperventilate until I blacked out in his office so he would tell the school I had asthma. So if you think I’d go sweat my balls off in an 85-degree classroom, you’d be sorely mistaken.”

The school has also released the projected cost for the new building to be just shy of $200 million, noting that this number includes the extra $150 million by which they are certain the planned budget of $50 million will be exceeded. Representative Finkel told reporters, “Creating an environment that our students find comfortable and pleasant is extremely important to us. Raising tuition by another $10,000 per semester to afford the renovation seems like a small price to pay for a building not designed by imbeciles.”

Construction was previously slated to begin in early 2017, however the project has since been postponed after the recent renovations to the School of Public and Environmental Affairs have left architects questioning the decision to make its only entrance an outdoor staircase to the fourth floor.