By: Joe King

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Several of the nation’s top climate scientists were discovered tied up and gagged in one of the closets of the White House early Friday morning.

The climatologists had been held in the small storage room since inauguration day and had only been able to stave off dehydration by condensing the building’s abundance of hot air.

So far, the police have been unable to identify the perpetrator. According to the D.C. police chief, there were too many suspects inside the White House at the time known to have a motive for silencing the scientific community.

“Our administration was horrified to discover that such an incident had occurred within these walls,” said the White House Press Secretary in an official statement. “I would like to assure the public that next time the bodies will be disposed of properly.”