BLOOMINGTON, IN – After visiting Woodland’s food court for the first time, Collins resident Amanda Kentz was alarmed to find that, despite the name, the establishment did not serve 100 percent organic, vegan, unprocessed, GMO-free, gluten free food.“It’s literally called Woodlands,” Kentz was quoted saying. “I had expected only foods that you find in nature. Like kale, tofu, and veggie burgers.”

Close friend to Kentz, omnivore Cary Milford, noticed her friend’s discomfort while at the restaurant A Cut Above, which features assorted meats. “She started foaming at the mouth, and making guttural animal-like sounds. I couldn’t tell if she was about to kill someone, or just craving some steak.”

As a result of either shock or iron deficiency, Kentz began inquiring about a non-existent Vegan living-learning community at the university. A firsthand witness described his unsettled feelings as Kentz seemed to lose her grip on reality. “She kept asking louder and louder where the people in the vegan LLC ate. It was quite the spectacle.”

Due to her increasingly aggressive behavior and their inability to calm her down however, RPS staff was ultimately forced to lure her out of the building using a trail of quinoa.