By: Fannie Wanker

BLOOMINGTON, IN–Recent construction efforts to expand the Maurer Law School have uncovered a tar pit filled with fossilized human remains underneath what was once the foundation of the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity house. Archaeologists investigating the scene since early Monday concluded that the deceased succumbed to intense paddling and dip spit consumption before mysteriously falling into the boiling tar sometime between weeks three and four of their pledgeship.

The house, built in 1902, was the first official fraternity house built on the Indiana University campus. The fraternity was notorious for its small pledge classes and reputation as a breeding ground for horrific hazing rituals. Former FIJI brother Seamore Buti smiled and nodded when asked if he knew about the recent excavation.

“We used to be a lot tougher on pledges,” he recalled. “I still remember the day they forced us to board up the tar pit. It was always a good time watching freshmen bob for apples in the scalding abyss.” He then added wistfully, “Those were better days.”

Current president of FIJI Bradley Queen has released a statement regarding the uncovered remains, noting that while the organization is saddened by the loss of human life, there still “isn’t any room for pussies in Phi Gamma Delta.”