Op-ed: McNutt Veteran Speaks Out
By: Winston Nochill
Few places can be considered as rank while oddly sexually stimulating as McNutt. There is enough vomit in the hallway to make a four course meal, and every morning I awaken to the howls of females in heat. Every night, I’m lulled to sleep by the same uncomfortable chorus. It’s an often disturbing lifestyle that, for far too long, has gone unaddressed. I aim to expose the gruesome details of daily suffering to you, the reader.
Every morning, the McNutt resident is subjected to a selection of unpleasantries, too many of which to name here. Suffice it to say that on a good day, one wakes up to a paralytic drunk female down the hallway moaning about K201, with a great day involving awakening to the sound of their roommate receiving oral sex. Don’t ask about the bad days.
The next part of the day is fighting for the one or two good showers on the floor. One is mostly coated with urine and the other only has semen under the shower head about twice a week. All the walls are caked with strands of long brown hair and the drains could probably synthesize a medium-sized dog. It really isn’t much different from any other dorm’s showers except most other dorms don’t come standard with a moaning girl and grunting guy in the shower next to you.
After the rather unpleasant morning shower, the McNutt resident will stumble their way to Hodge Hall. Many assume these individuals are stumbling due to their hangover, but that assumption is incorrect. They are actually already intoxicated, due to their immense fear of the consequences their body will face should they actually allow themselves to sober up. After daydreaming about the couple they heard making less-than-sweet coitus in the shower next to them that morning all class, the resident will then yell “‘sup” to one of the ten people in the hallway they recognize before heading back to the cesspool on Fee Lane.
By the evening there is a wide array of activities and sounds filling the halls. Binge drinking, sexual intercourse, avid masturbation, and so many drugs that I’m jonesing just writing about it. The alcoholics will have begun their rituals due to the myriad of acceptable drinking hours, typically anytime between 8am and 4am. After about 7 pm most people have found their debauchery locations and it is ill advised to leave these places until the morning. There’s more semen than there is carpeting due to McNutt residents humping more than rabbits in springtime, and most men on the floor beat their meat more than a fresh cut delicatessen. I’ve often considered selling tickets to these events, but I digress.
All-in-all McNutt is about the most disgusting thing a person can possibly imagine, and I urge all to stay as far away as possible. The residents have no morals, both expel and ingest more fluids than I knew existed, and their only code of conduct is the word “promiscuity”. I actually had to record the sound of my upstairs neighbor banging his girlfriend so that I will be able to fall asleep during my spring break. I owe you one, Brad.