By: Barry Vile

As a way to pay tribute to graduating brother Blake Simmons, the members of social fraternity Mu Gamma Beta have pledged to find a cure for male pattern baldness before the end of the semester. MGB’s President, Drew McCall, released an emotional statement on the matter.

“Blake is just the most recent in a long line of MGB brothers who have suffered from this disgusting plague,” McCall said between shotgunning cans of Natural Light. “Our hope is that we can do something truly meaningful for Blake and the other revolting creatures in our community who lack a full head of hair.”

Simmons is not the first fraternity member to be faced with the issue of early onset baldness. According to a 2014 survey conducted by the university, 37% of fraternity members experience some sort of balding by their sixth semester of college. That number has continued to climb, with MGB’s annual scalp check revealing 58% of brothers in MGB already show early signs of balding.

“It really is a struggle some days” Simmons admitted. “I can hardly look myself in the mirror any more. I’m so ashamed of how little puss I’ve gotten this semester. Thankfully, I live in the most supportive house imaginable, and my brothers have limited their hair gel usage to one bottle a day to show their solitude.”

The brotherhood has just announced a partnership with IUDM which will allow former brothers to come and relive their glory days while students dance for the weekend and raise money to fix their rapidly receding hairlines, with all proceeds from the 2017 dance marathon going to the nearest Bosley Hair Restoration clinic.