By: Mack E. Velli

BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following the Senate’s recent passing of a bill to defund Planned Parenthood, many Bloomington store owners are considering opening up back-alley abortion clinics so that they can jump on the newfound fetus terminating gravy train.

“I’m actually pretty ecstatic that the funding got slashed,” admitted local businesswoman Jane Cutler. “It’s not as if demand for abortions is going to disappear, so we may as well just include that as part of our business model.”

Jane, who with her husband runs a local thrift shop, says that they will be installing an abortion center in the back part of their store. “We want to give our customers that nice feeling of home, like back in the old days when they had to have it done secretly in a barn.”

Coming off of a recent one night stand, Hutton Honors College student and Fulbright Scholar Rachel Gruber discussed how excited she is to have to use her next six months worth of paychecks to fund her abortion.

“I was getting pretty fed up with all these freeloaders,” Rachel confessed. “They all think they can just have sex like everyone who isn’t thousands of dollars in debt and not have to ruin their lives over it. I think the government needs to stay out of my vagina and let me pay most of my income to letting Jane in there with a long piece of metal instead.”

When asked why she was willing to allow a non-licensed medical practitioner to stick a likely unsterilized object inside of her, Gruber stated, “I’d just like to do my part to support small businesses.”