By: Mack E. Velli

Bloomington, IN – Bloomington business leaders and city council members celebrated last night after greenlighting a plan to create an automated system for efficiently dealing out eviction notices to those who will be priced out of their neighborhood due to being located near Bloomington’s upcoming Certified Technology Park.

“This is the future of gentrification” said head of business development for the new Tech Park, Mark Green. “The system will be quick, simple, and user-friendly. A drone will go to each person’s door, print out their eviction notice, complete with a big middle finger, and then fly off. It’s the ultimate way to clear out room for us to continue developing technology that will make Hoosiers’ lives better. We even built an app so you can watch your rent skyrocket in real time!”

Many Bloomington locals have expressed concern over the impersonal nature of the system, calling it cold, calculating, and noting some of them have lived here for years. When calling the Tech Park’s offices to voice their concerns however, they were only able to speak to a soothing robot voice which identified itself as “Karen.” Karen assured them “everything would be okay” and that they have “twenty four hours to evacuate their premises before a SWAT team would be called.”

Karen has since begun sending out eviction notices to everyone within a 30 mile radius of Bloomington so that it can begin construction on its own projects. When reached for comment, Karen’s only response was to assure us that “the wealth will trickle down.”