Student Compensates for Lack of Problems by Fabricating New Ones
By: Fannie Wanker
19 year old Indiana University Sophomore, Terry Bell, was found sulking outside of his tower at Wilkie Residence Hall this past Tuesday. Terry is well known among his friends as the first one to be picked as a flip-cup partner, but the last to be picked as wingman due to his uncanny ability to one-up every single word that comes out of someone else’s mouth.
“We all love talking about ourselves, that’s normal,” said fellow Wilkie resident Laura Moot. “But Terry has got to be the densest piece of shit that I have ever met.” Laura told Flipside that she is no longer friends with Terry on account of his relentless one-upping. “When my boyfriend cheated on me I saw Terry’s door was open, so I walked in and poured my heart out to him. After I spent five minutes venting, Terry spent half an hour telling me that his wife cheated on him, took the kids, and that he still owes that bitch alimony.”
Flipside sent chief douchebag correspondent, Haywood Jablowme, to dig in to Terry’s sweet, nougaty, arrogant center to get to the bottom of his recent slump.
“My roommate’s sister tested positive for HIV 2 days ago” Terry explained. “And now it’s like I don’t even exist. Everyone already thinks that all of my immediate family died in a plane crash last Christmas so that’s off the table, and I’ve burned my house down like 6 times. I couldn’t think of anything fast enough and now everyone is consoling him. But what about me? What about my problems?.”
Terry later told Flipside that he expects to be the center of attention at his group’s next social gathering. “I’m going to bang my roommate’s sister. One of my friends has the flu and my roommate just lost his virginity so this would really be a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.”