By: Moccasin Jerry and Robben DeCash

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Last Thursday, freshman Quincy Mathews was on his way to Hodge Hall from 10th and Woodlawn when he found himself unable to muster up enough confidence to signal his desired A Bus stop.

“How the hell do people know when to pull the cable?” Mathews asked between deep breaths. “Is there even a stop for the Psychology building? That shit’s not my major, I don’t know! I didn’t want to be that one idiot that pulls the chain too soon and watch no one get off the bus. What if an ambulance was behind us? I can’t have that on my conscience!”

Attempting to avoid receiving a dirty look from the bus driver for pulling the chain and not getting off, Mathews reluctantly stayed in his seat as he continuously passed his desired stop. Paralyzed by fear, all he could do was hope that the bus would break down and he could get off.

“The only other kid on the bus was in the aisle seat next to me and he didn’t get up for the entire hour and a half either. I was waiting for him to signal so I could get off at his stop, but he just sat there staring forward with his sunglasses on. It was really creepy,” Mathews exclaimed through his scarred tears.

“The stupid bastard was asleep on the bus and wouldn’t let the other kid get off,” the bus’s driver told reporters. “I had to keep waiting for those two to get off before I could go home, but the one with the sunglasses fell asleep and scared the kid who was bawling. Fucking Freshmen.”