Dear Indiana Daily Student,

Recently you published a column titled “Kinsey Confidential answers a question about eating ejaculate” where the subject matter of eating one’s own semen is discussed. Seeing that our newspapers are the two largest in their respective fields on the Indiana University campus, we at Hoosier Flipside believe that we should attempt to coexist. With that in mind, it is our belief that your article on the consumption of one’s own semen, however useful, encroaches on our field of expertise that includes, but is not limited to: satire, fake news, meme culture and its vicious perpetuation, disgracing the good name of Indiana University, elementary flatulence, and all other jokes regarding bodily functions. In the cartel industry, this conflict would be described as “stepping on our turf.” We believe this “semen consuming” article is part of a larger issue that is your paper releasing more and more content that is increasingly ridiculous and/or silly (our field.)

Poaching our highly intellectual and sophisticated audience is a serious concern and we would like to retort by poaching your audience with a series of actual news that you were supposed to be covering in your time spent writing ridiculous and/or silly content. We aren’t entirely sure of what your paper is attempting to do, but we at Hoosier Flipside would like to recommend Us Weekly, CNN, or early 2000s hit television show The Soup for guidance in going back into your own field of tabloids or whatever it is you were meant to write. Should you have any issues with this newfound agreement, please send them to our office located at

Bryan Hall 200
107 S. Indiana Ave.
Bloomington, IN 47405

where we we will take them into full consideration.

Hoosier Flipside

P.S. Many of our staff found your article very helpful and would like to thank you for your efforts.