By: Robbie McMichael

Bloomington, IN – “I farm the land because the land must be farmed,” said Brent Whiteman, 2 year member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity. I watch as Brent, alongside his other brothers, fulfill their new calling—self-sustaining organic farming.

In the week since the alcohol ban took place, opulent fraternity houses on 3rd St. have since been razed in favor of rolling fields and humble shacks. “The terror that men have wrought upon our beautiful Indiana is disgusting. We intend to fix it,” Whiteman said while wiping a tear from his eye.

“Since we haven’t been allowed to drink for the past week, I actually went to my P-101 class and realized what I needed in my life” the self realized Whiteman explained. “I have food, a home, I’ve got all the support I need from my bros, and I know I’m awesome. But this guy Maslow kept talking about ‘self actualization’, and that’s when I realized we were lacking a purpose. So we gave ourselves one.”

These young men have cracked closed their cold ones and exchanged their customized paddles for hoes—and not the blonde kind. With the philosophy of Thomas Jefferson and the wisdom of Henry David Thoreau, Brent has lost his desire to binge drink, and rather says he is “intoxicated on the purity of all living things.” When asked what the future may hold, Brent informed me that he has new aspirations for his future.

“I’m thinking of transferring to Purdue for a B.S. in Agriculture.”