Researchers Fear IU Greek Houses Could Become Endangered by 2030
By: Jonathan Pollack and Bartholomew Bortles
BLOOMINGTON, IN–A recent study conducted by the IU office of Sustainability suggests that Greek houses, if not managed properly, could become endangered by 2030.
“Over the past decade, we have seen that the Greek system’s rising rates of charter revocations, bodily-fluid emissions, and assault investigations have become unsustainable. IU would be lucky to even have 4 houses by 2030 if nothing is done to curtail this,” said Dr. Jim Bean.
The announcement of the study results came just hours after the TKE Grand Council suspended the Indiana chapter due to various instances of misbehavior. TKE is the latest in a long list of Greek Houses that have closed in the past 4 years, such as Alpha Tau Omega, Sigma Nu, Delta Tau Delta, and Tri-Delts.
Greek advocates and members of existing houses were shocked by the new model’s results, citing recent reports of each chapter being “a good group of guys.”
“I don’t buy a word of this nonsense. What could the Office of Sustainability be calling it? Greek House gases? The Greek system is going to be fine for a long time, and if it goes away, then it won’t be our fault,” said executive board member for Delta Chi Brent Majors, while somehow also shotgunning 4 cans of PBR simultaneously.
However, other houses are taking the study results in stride.
“I mean, like, I guess this kinda makes sense. The university does grant us a wonderful habitat up on North Jordan Avenue, maybe it is time we start slowing down, and taking better care of the place,” said Danny Haines of Pi Kappa Phi. “If you haze everyone, there’ll be no one left to haze, you know?”
At press time, the Office of Sustainability announced they’d received a $50,000 grant to study the effects of forced elephant walks on natural migration patterns.