Valentine’s day is a truly magical time of year. With chocolate, and flowers, and creaking bed-springs there’s just so much to enjoy. But as a college student, you want an easy way to get your significant other to unzip your pants without having to unzip your wallet first. For you frugal fucking fiends, here are some tips on how to save money this Valentine’s day:

  1. Take her to IMU Late Night.
    Nothing says romance like bad karaoke and giant Jenga. Plus, if you’re lucky, there might even be free popcorn! You might have to forge a fake student ID if she’s not a student, though; wouldn’t want any outsiders getting in on the IMU’s amazing after-hours entertainment.
  2. Spend a romantic getaway in the abandoned TKE house.
    Now that it’s empty, it’s the perfect spot for squatting, doing drugs, and getting it on all over those beer-soaked floors. Just be wary of any homeless people who had this idea. Bring a taser to be safe–or sexy.
  3. Treat her to a burrito at Bueno.
    Show your baby how much you love her by spending your precious I-BUCKS on one of IU’s finest on-campus eating establishments. If you really love her, don’t be afraid to let her spring for the pork or that extra cup of guacamole—after all Valentine’s Day is only once a year.
  4. Take her to a K201 review session.
    This is fun, free, AND educational! Afterwards, you two can work on GP6 instead of sex. What better way to show your love than a query called “Who I Love?” that pulls up her name?
  5. Have a deep conversation with her about the Bosnian conflict.
    Everyone likes cuddling, but you can make it special by watching a documentary on the Bosnian Genocide
    “The Bosnian War was an international armed conflict that took place in Bosnia and Herzegovina between 1992 and 1995. Following a number of violent incidents in early 1992, the war is commonly viewed as having started on 6 April 1992.” Nothing gets a girl hotter than discussing Eastern European politics.
  6. Bum some moonshine off a homeless person on Kirkwood.
    Wine is overrated anyway. This is a good way to make friends, possibly pet a homeless dog, and get a sense of what your future together may hold for you ten years down the road if you keep failing finite.
  7. Fight a horde of crows to prove your courtly love for her.
    East neighborhood is full of these beasts, and girls love nothing more than watching guys defeat monsters to prove their masculinity or whatever. At least, that’s what Disney has taught you. It’s up to you whether to fight them with sword and shield, bare-handed or by throwing large rocks at them.
  8. Carve a dick pic into the Sweetheart tree together.
    Nothing says romance like reminding your date just how well-endowed you are—as well as the rest of campus. Immortalize your mutual love for boning, and then fuck in front of it. Make the tree a third wheel, just like the Giving Tree.