By: Sutton Lee Seymour

In a speech following the release of this month’s congressional report, that one senator you’re kinda familiar with stated, “We would like to let the American people know that everything is still fucked.”

“However,” he said, “serious changes will be implemented very soon. The recently-proposed changes to the tax bill will go into effect as soon as we come to a majority vote.” The delay will only affect the target groups that this bill is designed to fuck over, so there is nothing to be concerned about.

“We also discussed the most recent mass shooting,” the senator went on. “We’ve decided that, much like past mass shootings, this is an isolated incident that is very unlikely to happen again, but we send our thoughts and prayers to the victims’ families.” Said the senator as he performed the sign of the cross for the cameras. He elaborated, “We have determined that the race and socioeconomic status of the victims has no bearing on the shooting and that the shooter was merely a troubled individual with a tragic past.” No word yet on how this will affect gun control, nor is there expected to be.

Finally, the senator recapped the recent healthcare discussion: “Healthcare is always a turbulent issue,” he said. “We are doing everything we can to improve the current system. Such a complex, multifaceted system needs special attention and care, which is why we’re setting aside the next 35 years and creating 23 new, slightly-differing committees devoted to understanding health, economy, illness, and why poor people need medicine.”

The senator closed out his statement by shaking hands with a diverse audience and kissing a baby on the head.