“There’s so Many Dicks I Haven’t Tasted!”, and 9 Other Ways to Break Up With Your Boyfriend
By: Sutton Lee Seymour
Breaking up with somebody is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. However, there are some ways to turn a bad situation into something better! Here are 10 great ways to break up with your boyfriend.
1. “Your mom keeps telling me I can do better and frankly, I believe her.”
This one is especially important because it can also serve as a wake-up call for your significant other to mend his ailing relationship with his mother. Although the relationship was not good, you still want him to be happy.
2. “There are so many dicks I haven’t tasted!”
If he ever really loved you, he would understand that a part of personal growth is experimenting with different kinds of relationships and dicks! If you say something like this he’ll understand, and I am sure he will wish you well.
3. “I need to be with someone who understands my passion for VeggieTales.”
Your boyfriend won’t be able to refute this point, and this will help him find closure. Finding somebody who can bond with you over VeggieTales is the single most important element in a healthy relationship. Keep in mind, maybe that should have been a deal-breaker from the beginning.
4. “I can’t be with someone who thinks the clitoris gets girls pregnant!”If he really cares about you, he will understand that you deserve to be with somebody who at least has a working knowledge of the female reproductive system. But really, what were you even doing with this guy?
5. “I’m going vegan. I’m not putting your meat in my mouth anymore.”
Becoming vegan is a major decision that calls for somebody to dramatically change their lifestyle. He’ll understand, and be comforted knowing that he wasn’t at fault for the relationship failing. Good for you for making a decision that will help the environment and animal welfare.
6. “You always buy the short cucumbers!”
If your boyfriend really loved you, he’d understand your passion for vegetables that can be enjoyed orally and vaginally, and he wouldn’t be so threatened by the idea of buying the cream of the crop for you to cream upon. By telling him this, you’re not only giving a feasible explanation for your breakup but giving him tips on how to treat his future significant others right.
7. “A REAL man wouldn’t doubt his masculinity every time he takes a finger up the butt!”
Your sexual adventures should be his adventures, too. And who is he to deny you the pleasure of trying something new every once in a while? You should feel empowered enough to peg whomever you want to peg, and if your boyfriend is trying to put a stop to that, then that’s just sexist.
8. “I’ve seen you funnel a keg of PBR for ten minutes straight, so you can cut the ‘I need air while eating you out’ bullshit.”
Nobody likes a liar–especially a liar who can’t finish what he starts. Call him out, honey, and hopefully, after this encounter, he’ll prioritize your pleasure over his need to breathe.
9. “It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s because you’re poor.”
I mean, hey, what’s college but an opportunity to get your M.R.S. degree? Nobody wants to be tied down with a guy who can’t pay off your loans and credit card bills. Be upfront with him, and maybe after this is all over he’ll reconsider getting a doctorate in philosophy and start prioritizing that sweet, sweet coin.
10. “I saw your dad naked, and…well, it’s over.”
This is perfect because it’s ambiguous if this was a good or bad experience for you. Was his dad hideous, and therefore so will he be when he gets older? Was his dad so hunky that you’re ready to ride that horse instead? Only time will tell.