By: Cleetus Haversham

Bloomington, IN–Last Thursday, “Intro to Astronomy” students were greeted by their hungover, newly-tenured professor. Professor Wentz was dressed in a stained turtleneck he had been wearing the previous lesson, pink Crocs, khakis with an open fly, and, according to students in the front row, Minions-branded boxer-briefs.

“I’ve been working with him for the past year, and since he’s reached tenure things have really shifted,” said Wentz’s AI Josh Daniels. “Rather than giving a condescending look and complaining to his colleagues like he used to, now he just tells dumb students that their question makes him wonder if there is intelligent life on Earth.” Daniels concluded: “I’m happy for him for reaching tenure, but I kind of wish he was wearing deodorant.”

“He’d been openly crying during faculty meetings just a few weeks ago. Now, he barely shows up,” said department head David Baxter. “This is why we make those bastards work for tenure.”

“Today, we’ll be continuing our discussion of supernovas– actually, fuck that, today we’re talking about my bitch of a wife,” McRobertson said taking a swig from a nondescript bottle. With that, he stepped out of his Crocs and fell over.

“It’s crazy. Last Tuesday he docked me 3 points for tardiness. Now my Canvas grade just says ‘Who cares,'” said sophomore Seymour Sullivan.

Our reporter sat in on the next lecture, which was mostly occupied by a video presentation. McRobertson sat behind his desk and displayed an adult video on the projector before ending class 45 minutes early.