By: Ragnarok

Bloomington, IN – Three weeks into college, freshman Evan Scharter continues to dutifully ask to go to the bathroom. Every time Evan needs to do the deed, his impeccable moral code compels him to request permission from the professor.

Troy Gideon, one of the affected students expressed his dismay: “The entire class despises how Sharter squeals ‘May I go potty?’ every lesson.” It crossed the line when Scharter spent half a class arguing that hall passes should be given out to uphold the sanctity of the classroom, just like high school.

“This kid is out of his mind,” stated Lexi Bell. “Most people despise Finite, and don’t want to wait to piss. I know I can’t focus when I need to go.” Though Lexi did admire how Scharter often wasted precious lecture time spearheading a petition to regulate toilet use.

Fed up, Finite students finally gave in, joining Scharter’s petition to mandate restroom hall passes and monitors. They then collaborated to form the B.O.W.E.L. movement: “Bathroom Occupation When Evan Leaves.”

Gideon, founder of the B.O.W.E.L. movement, explained, “This association of students is devoted to a simple mission, whenever one of us notices that Evan needs to go to the bathroom, a member will raise their hand, and ask to use the bathroom pass. With only one pass and one of our own as hall monitor, we ensure that Scharter can’t tinkle.”

Following the formation of the movement, Scharter’s Finite grade has plummeted, on account of his inability to focus during class.

At press-time, Scharter was found in the bathroom, receiving an unauthorized swirlie between classes.