By: Zoi Brooks

BLOOMINGTON, IN– Sneering at a group of drunk sorority girls, Brendan Hart was seen bragging to a different group of bystanders about his lifestyle at a party last Saturday. “I don’t need any distractions to be able to enjoy life. I like to get high on the moment,” he said, pushing people out of the way before snorting coke off of a sleeping cat.

Witnesses say the Hart kept talking about how beautiful life is when you’re fully engaged in the moment, without diversions like going to class, texting people back, or doing laundry. He explained that he “lives in the present” by chilling with his friends, enjoying sunny afternoons, and abusing prescription pain meds.

Hart stated that a big part of living in the moment is working out. “I want to make sure I take care of my body. I go to the SRSC 4 times a week to lift. Every morning I drink a protein shake mixed with fresh fruit, milk, and two parts protein powder for every one part crushed Xanax.”

When asked why he does drugs, Hart said, “I haven’t made a lot of friends this semester yet, and the weather’s been shitty the past few days, so I need some Speed. Nothing wrong with a little pick-me-up to make sure I’m living the best life I can.”

The man was regarded by other party-goers as “relatively harmless,” “definitely doing drugs on my cat,” and “so down to Earth; I could never go that long without looking at my phone, and—oh my God, ew, is his nose bleeding?!”
When asked if he needed to go to the hospital, Hart replied, “Nah, the blood-loss just means I need to drink less to have a good time.”