7 Potential Suitors to make Your Mama Proud
By: Ariel Gold and Flipside Staff
Sick of your mom
Bartholomew Chestnut III: Bartholomew is a fully-vaccinated dressage world champion. He’s in the Kelley School of Business where he studies almond investment management. He is 1/16th Portuguese and will mention that at every opportunity.
Why Mom will love him: He and his horse have matching outfits
Kale Savage: Kale is a post-modernist, he’s a strong believer in the cylindrical earth theory. He knows all of his colors and wants you to join his multi-level marketing scheme. He might not believe in Egypt, but he can be frequently found drinking craft beer outside his commune while performing banjo solos from Mumford and Sons.
Why Mom will love him: He knows a surprising amount about gardening
Jeff Bezos: Jeff is newly single and ready to mingle! He thrives on crushing the working class, but he’s always willing to take time for you. He’ll send you sweet texts like “I love you, alive girl,” and it’ll be great until he ends it because he realized that marriage is a union.
Why Mom will love him: He can offer free 2-day shipping
Trapp McRobbie: Trapp is an avatar of chaos. He is gainfully employed selling Adderall and Xanax. He’s had an adventurous life with a brief stint in juvie in Tasmania, and he looks forward to many more adventures with you!
Why Mom will love him: She’ll receive discounts on her usual Xanax order
Brett from Intramurals: Brett is passionate about all parts of his life, but mostly intramural soccer. You might not care for his hate-filled rants about the referees at the world cup. But he’s a sports marketing major and you’ve got to love that passion.
Why Mom will love him: He is not at all shy
Jonathan: Jonathan is a man you met at the coffee shop this week. He’s 6’7. You don’t know much else about him. He might be going to law school? Who knows? But you don’t really care.
Why Mom will love him: “He is very tall.”-Mom
The Brown M&M: The Brown M&M might be the first girl you bring home to mom, but if things go well, she might be the last.
Ms. Brown will see you now.
Why Mom will love her: Candy is always welcome on Valentine’s Day