sleep libary

By Jimmy Christmas


How to live in Wells Library for the rest of the semester without getting caught

So, you finally got kicked out of your apartment because allegedly “running an unlicensed PetSmart out of your living room” is a violation of the lease (even though it didn’t say ANYTHING about that when you signed).

But either way, you need a new place.

Since no place in Bloomington is taking new renters until August it looks like I… I mean YOU will have to get pretty creative since you’re in such a pickle.

And what better place to crash than Wells library. On-campus location, spacious open concept, and in-house chefs right downstairs.

Here are some tips and tricks (that I definitely don’t need) to live in Wells for the rest of the semester without getting caught.

Sleeping Quarters:
The clear answer? A group study room for your bedroom needs. Unfortunately, this can only get you so far since an actual group may work up the courage to kick out the guy alone in the study room.

But there is a simple solution: invest in some extra backpacks, set them in different chairs, and tell anyone who questions you that your friends are just grabbing some food and will be back shortly.

Side note: The backpacks also work great as makeshift dressers to store your clothes in!

Brushing your teeth in the bathroom sink, changing into clean clothes in the stall every few days, and hiding emergency stashes of deodorant around the west tower is obvious — but this next part is tricky.

In order to not get caught you’re going to have to be subtle. That means no walking back to your “room” in your towel after your weekly water fountain and wet wipe shower.

Having a mailing address:
After spending all your money on decoy backpacks, you can’t afford a P.O. box.

The only solution is to use the book return box as your personal mailbox and take advantage of your job in the library (you have a job in the library btw) to catch all of your packages.

Having company over 😉 :
Is being the weird guy living in the library a turn off? Yes.

Is being the guy who’s so hardworking he just happens to spend all of his time in the library a turn off? Yes — but it’s a little less weird than the first thing.

However, if lying isn’t really your style, you could always skate around this with the classic “I basically live here.” She’ll think its sarcastic, and only you will know it’s a cry for help.

If she’s blind to all of your red flags and says she wants to go back to your place, don’t panic — you can still save this. Tell her you can’t wait and want to be spontaneous, then take her to an abandoned floor in the East tower behind one of the bookshelves. She won’t be able to stop thinking about how romantic the moment is, and you won’t be able to stop thinking about how this actually worked.