Why does everything work out for these losers!?

By Jimmy Christmas

1. Starting my own spinoff series (Joey from Friends)

When Joey from Friends left all his friends and family with no explanation to literally go to the other side of the country, not one person questioned it. So, what’s the big deal about me packing up my things and leaving in the middle of the night without telling anyone? Like jeez, mom, calm down.

2. Spying on a minor for 24 hours (Parks and Rec)

Technically, from a “legal aspect,” I’m not allowed to discuss my ALLEGED interaction with Tyler, but hear me out. I don’t know what that kid did, but he’s up to something. I can feel it. I’m just saying, Leslie Knope followed that Greg Pikitis kid all day, and she just got yelled at and that was the end of it.

3. Harboring an alien fugitive (The entirety of the show ALF)

Can someone please explain to me why, when they’re hiding an alien in the hit television comedy ALF, its “cute” and “quirky,” but when I try to introduce my friends to Tragon Valbrun, Eater of Moons, I’m “committing a federal crime” and “a danger to society and to myself?” Those snitches are why I’m serving 40 to 50 in maximum security.

4. An “over-the-top” fire drill (The Office)

This one just annoys me. When Dwight starts a fire in the workplace, he just gets a slap on the wrist and has to apologize. I, on the other hand, have 3 lawsuits and an entire insurance agency breathing down my neck. Arson isn’t even that big of a deal, guys!

5. Dating Rashida Jones (Parks and Rec & The Office)

Both Jim Halpert and Chris Trager were able to come out okay after their breakups with Rashida. Trager even went back and married her! Me, I still haven’t recovered from the emotional damage that temptress caused me. I’m still not okay, guys. She really did a number on me. RASHIDA I LOVE YOU PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!