Whoopsie-Daisies! That Hot Tinder Hookup from Last Night was a High School Student
BLOOMINGTON — Last night, SPEA junior Chris Fukova had the time of his life. He partied with his friends, won at beer pong, and even met a girl from Tinder! The two were seen leaving the party together and she was then seen leaving his dorm room the next morning.
“It was awesome. She was fucking dynamite in the sack,” commented Fukova. “I’ve never experienced anything like it… Oh yeah, we definitely had sex. I had intercourse with that girl. She and I did the do. We boinked. It rocked. I, Chris Fukova, had sexual relations with that woman.”
Unfortunately, that woman Fukova hooked up with was actually a girl, a freshman in high school who made a Tinder profile in which she overstated her age by four years. To maintain the anonymity of the minor, we will refer to her as Shmachel Shmith.
When asked for comment, Shmith stated: “I mean, I said I was a freshman, so I technically didn’t lie.”
When asked about his feelings on the situation, Fukova responded: “She’s HOW old? Oh, oh god. You haven’t been recording have you? I didn’t sleep with her! I never even met her! I don’t even know who that is. Fuck this, I’m calling my lawyer.” The interview cut off when he smacked my notepad out of my hand and ran away blinking back tears.
When asked to comment local policemen Officer Johns said “since he said he didn’t do it, we’re going to go ahead and believe his story and Fukova will receive absolutely no punishment whatsoever.
“On the other hand, Shmachel Shmith will have to register as a sex offender because she had nude photos on her phone.”