Bret waiting on his interview with the boyfriend selection committee.

written by: Jared Reed

To the boyfriend selection committee,

Hello, I am writing to express my interest in the Fall 2020 boyfriend position. I have an understanding of all the standard procedures in this industry. Some of my strongest skills include the classic arm around the shoulder during a movie, the more complex “Go ahead, keep my nice sweatshirt” tactic, and the even more intricate remembering of a birthday. I feel like I can utilize these techniques and more in this opportunity.

While I have not held the official boyfriend title in some time, I believe my recent standings as “close guy friend” and “this guy I’m talking to” have more than prepared me for this position.           `.

This summer I played a key role as “bait” to make someone’s ex jealous. I usually don’t like to brag during these things, but it went well, they are back together and stronger than ever.

Feel free to check out my portfolio for more of my work, including an interactive webpage that allows you to put your face in an Instagram post of us together going on, as the caption puts it, “a night out with this one.”

I understand that this is an entry-level position, but I can see myself moving up the ladder quickly. While I may begin being tasked with planning dates and handholding – over time I think you’ll see I have the ability to manage bigger projects like buying flowers or even meeting with the higher-ups (your parents).

I would like to address the issue that I have not included references in this application. While I would consider my separation from these previous roles clean and smooth, I have been informed it is best for everyone if they “never hear my name uttered again.”

I’m aware you have many qualified applicants to choose from. I know Brad has been scouted for being amazing in bed, but I believe candidates like Brad wouldn’t be as dedicated to the position as I would. I may sometimes cum first, but you always come first.

Thank you for your time and consideration of my application – I believe I am a strong candidate and I would appreciate it if you swiped right.

From,

Your future husband… Too much?