Letter to the shareholders: Santa’s Elves deserve representation, too
Written by: Bud O’Bobby
Labor shortages. Demanding hours. Unpredictable sales forecasts. Adherence to ever-changing environmental regulations. Griping upper-management that has no grasp on the realities of life on the production line. OSHA guys.
These problems are prevalent in today’s U.S. manufacturing facilities, but contrary to popular belief, John from Ohio isn’t the only one who would “tell the boss man to stick it” after a forklift accident led to a series of “random” drug tests.
Santa’s Elves, a group of over 80,000 laborers with manufacturing facilities and their own problems at Santa’s Workshop in North Pole, North Pole, ought to have the representation they deserve. And, as CFO and Chief Economist at Santa’s Workshop, we have created a new corporate initiative to assist this group of exploited individuals.
For all they do, and with all they put up with each year, Santa’s Elves are often looked over — not just because they’re not allowed to have organized labor unions, but also because they are rather short. Some Elves feel as though they are swept under the rug. Others are literally swept under Ms. Claus’ rug when they forget to look both ways before crossing the living room on cleaning day. Queue OSHA guys.
Let’s look at some quick statistics: Santa’s Elves are involved in 163% more workplace accidents, get paid 92% less than the average American, and have accumulated over $12.9 billion in lawsuit damages for stealing Hasbro’s intellectual property. C’mon — is this even a sound operation?
Recently, John Deere’s union members went on strike. Workers were fed up with 7-day work weeks, low wages, and poor benefits. After weeks of negotiation, John Deere and the union struck a deal that “improves” the “working conditions” at the “plants”. Whatever the hell that means.
Though this workplace welfare (WW) could, theoretically, be replicated at Santa’s Workshop, the increased expenditures would negatively impact the number of toys produced around the globe. And we wouldn’t want little Jimmy to only have nine gifts instead of 12, right? I mean, when it comes to cheap plastic shit, the more the merrier. As WW Increases, JT (Jimmy’s Toys) Decreases. Remember that, Wall Street.
That’s why, at Santa’s Workshop, we are proud to announce a new corporate initiative that will be implemented by 2035, ish. With each gift we produce, we will honor the Elves trapped in air conditioning units by signing each present:
Santa … & Friends”
We think this inclusive effort will make Elves feel more recognized, heard, and appreciated. The plan was announced around the holidays in hopes it will boost spirits to meet this year’s demand. And hey — it’s cheaper than fixing the air conditioning units.