Family of Roaches discovered in Memorial Stadium Locker Room a Sign of Good Hope for Football Team
By: Barry Vile and Bismo Falcor
Following the discovery of a fast-multiplying family of cockroaches in the Memorial Stadium locker room, experts and fans have been gearing up for the most successful year of Indiana University football in decades. This discovery comes roughly three weeks after a mantis appeared in the dugout of the Kansas City Royals, which experts say sparked a win streak that revitalized their season.
The family of roaches was discovered by maintenance worker Russell Kuntz Jr. during a routine inspection of the locker room.
“I was walking through the locker room when I started smelling a strong, funky odor. Expecting to find a couple of freshmen lighting it up, I instead found a grimy Pizza X box. Inside was one of the oldest, most disgusting buffalo-bleu cheese chicken pizzas I’d ever seen. Just then, a whole bunch of roaches came scurrying out in all directions. I then realized that we were poised to have the greatest season of IU football in years,” said Kuntz Jr.
Since the discovery, Indiana’s football ranking has skyrocketed to the top of the Big 10, analyst Kirk Herbstreit referred to running back Devine Redding as a “Heisman Trophy favorite,” and a couple of other maintenance workers claimed that Hep’s Rock actually grew by several cubic feet.
“While Indiana looked fantastic in their win over FIU last Saturday, the roach discovery in their stadium gives me every reason to believe that they’ll be a serious contender this December,” said Herbstreit.
When asked if he was going to call an exterminator, football coach Kevin Wilson replied, “Hell no! I say let ‘em multiply! If by the start of this season, every corner of Memorial Stadium isn’t infested by these sickly creatures, our team doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. Besides, worst case scenario, they’ll at least boost our attendance numbers!”
However, when asked about the possibility of success from Tom Crean’s basketball squad, Wilson replied, “You could find a box of mosquitos shipped here from Brazil on midcourt of Assembly Hall and those losers still wouldn’t have a chance.”