Local Student Struggles to Meet Freshman Health Requirement
By: Barry Vile
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Following a relaxing spring break and a moderately active semester, freshman with a high metabolism Sterling Wilson has just one focus on his mind to close out the semester: gain fifteen pounds of pure, greasy fat.
“Evidently I have to put on the freshman fifteen as a prerequisite for becoming a sophomore,” said a bewildered Wilson. “I always thought that was just some dumb joke that dads make so they feel less guilty about how downhill their lives have gone. But nope, It’s an actual requirement by the university. If I’m still able to see my dick by May 5th, I have to repeat freshman year.”
Wilson is not the first case of a student struggling to meet the unique health requirement. While he has made great use of his roommates, using their cumulative pool of meal points to guarantee he never dips below five thousand calories a day, many students have gone to great lengths to gain the requisite fifteen pounds over the years. Struggling freshmen have even purchased wheelchairs so their friends are able to transport them to class so they don’t run the risk of burning a couple calories during transit.
At press time, Wilson was last seen entering a comatose state while being rolled into a Read elevator on a stretcher as his roommates fed him his fourth box of Baked cookies for the day.