How to Avoid Accidentally Coming Out to Aunt Barbara this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means you will be sitting directly across the table from Aunt Barbara. As much as you truly love that she drove in from Martinsville, you know there are certain things you shouldn’t discuss around her. Here is the Flipside guide to erasing any doubt in their mind that you love Jesus and being straight!
Avoid wearing rainbows, and stick to red, white, and blue!
If you walk in wearing rainbows, she might begin to question your sexual orientation. However, wearing red white and blue will show her that America will always be the first thing in your heart. This is the perfect opportunity to break out the full American flag outfit she got you for your birthday 2 years ago!
Don’t eat any of the food she makes, so that she complains about that instead!
You probably know from previous meals that the only thing Aunt Barbara hates more than sodomizers are people who don’t clean their plates. Eat as much as you want, but make sure that your plate is always full of food. She will focus on that, and NOT your relationship status.
Don’t be afraid to steer conversation towards her 3rd divorce!
Once you get Aunt Barbara talking about Ronald, you know there’s no turning back! She will go on and on about that fat, no-good, Chevy Shitbox drving, meth dealing son of a bitch, completely forgetting about the rumor that you’re still single!
Pretend to choke on your food if the conversation topic becomes political!
Hearing Aunt Barbara give her thoughts on the first year of the Trump presidency will definitely be challenging, especially as you’re trying to maintain your secret. You might feel the urge to lash out against her, but that would undermine your hope to hide from her. By pretending to choke on your food, you can put a stop to that conversation. Be sure to really sell it!
Remind all family members to praise Jesus at the end of each social interaction!
Not only will this show her that you’re deeply devoted to Jesus, but that you’re willing to inspire others to follow this as well! Just make sure you don’t burst into flames as you say his name, which might cause your plan to backfire. Bonus points if you can cite the exact bible verse that says that men shall not lie with other men!
These tips should be all you need to make sure Aunt Barbara never finds out you’re a 500 on the Kinsey Scale. And remember, if worst comes to worst, you can always tell her you’re going celibate for Jesus. Happy Thanksgiving!