Prohibition of Greek Life Social Events Leads to Opening of Speakeasy in Wells Stacks
By: Sutton Lee Seymour and Jonathan Pollock
BOOMINGTON, IN – In light of the recent Interfraternity Council’s prohibition of social events and alcohol circulation among Greek houses, dissatisfied members have opened a 1920s-style speakeasy on the Wells library eighth-floor stacks. The operation was busted Wednesday night at 2:30 a.m. by IUPD after rumors had begun circulating that Skulls fraternity members had “a real throwback” planned.
“I’m used to seeing the occasional pastel shirt-wearing guy with frockets coming in and out during finals week,” said student library employee Sarah Hampton on the matter. “But when I see twenty men walk in wearing matching zootsuits and fedoras, I get a little suspicious.”
Inside the criminal haven, the bust yielded over a thousand bottles of hooch and bootleg Taaka, as well as one heartbroken Tri-Delt singing over a piano about how “her man don’t love her no more.”
Responding to the sounds of gramophones and bottles being broken over people’s heads, IUPD officers were met at the stacks entrance by an underweight Skulls pledge who demanded the password.
“We said ‘swordfish,’” Officer Hopps knowingly told reporters. “It’s always swordfish.”